Let go, let God. Bottom line, it’s the only thing that works in my life and I realize, FINALLY, I am the major problem here, as It takes me forever to figure things out. I possess a streak of “dumb”. I have Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome. Three things occurred in my life. As a silly joke, my 1st husband jumped out of the darkness at me, age 20…. as I was running to the bathroom, unfortunately with a glass of water in my hand. He got drenched. LOL! However anyone who knows me, knows I startle easily. I never got over that terrifying reaction. Secondly, at the age of 25 I picked up my baby from his crib and he was dead, Sudden Infant Death (SIDS). I have never gotten over that SUDDEN death and can be paranoid over my loved ones that if any injury happens that it will be SUDDEN death. Thirdly, my mother.
I married to get away from her. I moved 1700 miles away from her to have peace in my life. I didn’t see her for 7 years and she came to see me and it was hell. She flew to see me 7 years later and left in anger 2 hours later, called a cab and off she went…..I was terrified of her. She had been put in a cattlecar with her mother when Poland was invaded in 1939 and taken to a concentration camp….They survived and she married my GI Dad to get away from war torn Europe. Funny how the cycle repeats itself. My Babcia had a baby when my grandfather had to go off to WW1. That boy died in her arms at 6 mos from a twisted kidney…or something like that. So when mom was born, she was spoiled. Unfortunately she was a narcissistic to boot. Her heart was wrapped around herself and her father who had been executed in the war.
She never should have had children. She told me twice I ruined her life by being born and she had to work to provide for me. It has taken me a lifetime of knowledge to realize that she was mentally ill, consumed with the tragedies of her life, plum mean and hell on wheels. I stood up to her very calmly and respectfully at the age of 33, stood my ground….and that’s when she turned on me non stop the rest of her life, never letting up. The older she got the more vicious she became, even hitting me twice and I was already a great grandmother…..When she passed, my eldest son and daughter made me look at her awaiting cremation so they could say goodby and I agreed , only to make sure she was really dead. I do not know where her cremains are nor do I care. Her other daughter, a duplicate of her mother 10 times worse had that shipped to her in California.
I am a Christian, so me and God and God and me always have things to work out. I FORGIVE my mother probably 18,939 times by now, but I have to put this thing to bed. I have peace and then something will happen like walking graveyards and decorating graves for Wreaths Across America and memories pop up. I will say, with much pride, which can be confirmed by anyone who knows me, that I was the best daughter a parent could have. I did everything she needed, faithfully….with a good heart…….and cried all the way home. But I have made a decision that in 2022 I can’t bring up these things that she did to me anymore. I have to give it back to God….again.
Her laughter was insane and infectious, I inherited that, as did my daughter and one son…..and she taught me about thrift shops and garage sales, she loved music and books, did I mention that she always decorated the dinner plate so beautifully you hated to touch that delicious work of art?
I miss my Mom. She loved Christmas. I guess to sum it up life is not perfect, but my life has done nothing but make me stronger and that is by the Grace of God, go I.
